Sitting on the sofa talking to Sabrina post coitus. I took Sabrina to bed and delighted her. I was her toy, my body her playground. She mounted me and used me like the whore I am, thrilling herself until she let herself come, then I followed her into carnal bliss. If Dana is like a sledgehammer Sabrina is like the sweetest, silkiest vine that tickles and flirts until I realize i’m caught and cant get out and it starts pulling me toward something very scary. Then i’m savaged by a brutal orgasm that seems to never end but finally, regrettably, does. If there’d been an earthquake I couldn’t have cared less. Now we sit drinking diet pop with the blank facial expression of an infant that has just suckled. Apres le sexe toutes les creatures sont tristes? Not exactly. But I wont be horny again for two whole hours.
I want you to think about it some more before you decide, Sabrina says. You’re just like Dana. Once you make up your mind that’s it. You’re just like a tank.
I didn’t ask you to write me a letter to clear me for sex change, I say. I asked you to babysit Dana. I don’t need you to write a letter. I can afford to fly to Switzerland and get it done if I have to.
Please don’t do that, she says, gently putting her hand on the inside of my thigh. I’m talking to you as your lover, not as a therapist.
You were never a therapist for me. Therapists are for idiots and sick fucks. You just wrote a letter for me to get breasts.
Then let’s talk like lovers do. Why do you even want this surgery? You have everything, Fanci. Dana loves you and I love you and we both love to fuck you. We both see you as much a woman as we are.
Let me see, I say. I’ve learned that people can take you as a woman or as a man but not both, and not as something in between.
RU concerned with the world’s perceptions? I never thought so. You and Dana have always been a law unto yourselves.
That’s because we’re rich, I say bluntly. And we can afford to take the world on terms we want. You and Dana love me and want me to fuck. I love what I see in the mirror and love the double takes guys do when I walk down the street. The women do too, they’re just more subtle.
I see them doing double takes, she says wryly.
Yes and I always hope that night when they fuck their women they think of me.
So why do you need to do more?
It’s not about what the world thinks I explain. Not yet. I told you I feel like a fraud. I’ll feel a lot better when i’m complete.
I take a compact out of my purse and check my face.
Damn, Sabrina, I say. You really fucked up my makeup. You brute!
While i’m busy with my face Sabrina says, Love your Prada bag.
Me too. Want one? I’ve got several. Didn’t Dana get you one when she took you shopping? We can go to the mall and i’ll get you whatever you want. Prada, Vuitton, whatever. Anyway, I guess i’d feel better transgendered while i’m modeling full time. If I get it done now i’ll be recovered in time to go to work.
Don’t rush into it because of that, she says.
Then there’s the other thing. I’m a freak. I don’t care, since you and Dana love me for what I am but what if something happens to you both? Where am I going to find somebody? If i’m a complete woman I can at least find someone who’s a lesbian.
Don’t think like that, sweetie. Nothing will happen. Besides, you’re as feminine as anyone. Have I told you that lately?
Well, you are. Even more than the last time I saw you. You’ve gotten these delicate little gestures now, these feminine postures. You’ve mastered them.
Alright! I say. I’ll put it off indefinitely.
Thank you, my love, she says in relief and gratitude.
Now let’s talk about Dana, I say.
I want you to move to NYC with us and keep an eye on Dana. You can live with us or live across the street, IDC. I’ll be gone a lot and cant look after her.
Wont that cause tension? If your time with Dana is limited you’ll both be jealous of it and resent me intruding.
Cant be helped. Dana has to be controlled somehow.
I must be crazy, she says. But i’ll do it.
I’ll pay you well, I say.
You better, she laughs and kisses me on the mouth. Would you rather go to bed or to the mall?
You’re the guest, honey, I say. It’s up to you.