The surgery is an anticlimax. I wake in the recovery room demanding caffeine. I drink diet pop and go back to sleep and wake to see Dana looking at me, hollow eyed.
RU okay? she says, white faced.
I’m fine, Loveling, i say. Dont worry about it.
I never really wanted this, she says.
You would summon the devil and then complain when he doesnt do what you tell him to.
This must be a special moment for you then, she sighs heavily. When you’re up and around you probably will want to celebrate.
No. Why celebrate evolution? Such things are inevitable. This was inevitable as soon as i got tits.
I dont know how you can be so callous and nonchalant about this, she says, shaking her head.
I reach up and stroke her head. You’re so beautiful, Cupcake, i say. I hope i can look like you someday.
You’re prettier, she says. There. I admitted it. Anything you want, Fanci?
I could use a steak and sliced tomatoes and a gallon of french fries with catsup.
I guess you dont feel too bad if you’re that hungry. But i dont know what they’ll let you eat.
Soup, prob’ly, i say.
How long they keeping you here?
I dont make the rules, i say. Dr. Goldman said i have to stay in bed for a week. Nothing but sponge baths for five days. Then i can get up and actually shower. By then i’ll stink right powerful.
Dana shudders. Fanci, you dont know a stink till you smell a dirty woman. Owning a vagina is a lot of work. When i met you, you were such a nice boy. It was obvious you’d never been with a woman who was nasty. You dont even know what dirty pussy smells like. It’s not fishy. It’s more like a dead mouse. There was this girl in high school that never took a bath. That’s what she stank like.
I’ll try to remember that, i say.
Fanci, why? Why this? Dana says.
Because, i answer, I’ve found that people will accept you as a man or as a woman but not as something in between.
It’s about acceptance, then? she says.
Acceptance of self, i answer.
After that first day i am very tired. So tired i have to force myself to turn over in bed. Maybe it’s the pain meds. It doesnt hurt much at this point except when i laugh or cough.
A couple of days later my new pussy starts to really ache, even with the ice. Dr. Goldman brings in a pussy stretcher, a kind of dildo, and shows me how to use it. To my surprise it doesnt hurt. There are no pain receptors there, only stretch receptors. What a pain in the pussy to have to stretch it eight times a day. There is a feeling of suction and a pop when the dildo comes out. My worst fear about this is that i would be big enough to drive a truck through. But apparently, like Dana, i will have a little pussy.
Be careful, Erin, Goldman had cautioned. You’re a woman now and you can get yeast infections. Your-er- he looks at Dana- husband here can tell you about that.
Dana tries hard not to laugh. My pussy is very swollen but the good doctor says that will fade. They up my pain meds and it makes me very happy. I chase the Demerol with vodka Dana sneaked in.
There is a round wad of surgical gauze positioned 2/3 of the way from the navel to the vagina as an anchor to a wire that pulls the abdomen into a more female curve. A little snip, a sudden tug, sensation of something being pulled out of my insides, over before it was completely felt. It bothered me a little as i said Oooh! and Dana laughed and the nurse gave her a dirty look.
Oooh! Dana mocks me after the nurse leaves.
Shut up, i say. I’m getting groggy.
After they take out the catheter i have to learn to pee like a woman. It’s not easy because the brain doesnt know how yet; it has to learn. I spend hours on the john trying unsuccessfully and they have to catheterize me again. It takes me two days before i can pee by myself. I am more than ready to go home when they turn me loose.
I wonder if i am too blase but i guess not. I’ve lived and thought of myself as a woman so long that surgery is anticlimactic. If i feel anything i feel relieved of the burden of having male equipment. I do not miss it. And i feel honest about what i present to the world. Without being female by birth i am as much a woman as i can be. Just because i’m not like those sniveling Trannies you see on Lifetime channel (TV for idiots) doesnt mean i’m not as much a woman as any of them.
And i’m wondering now what it would be like to have a dick inside me. I wish Dana had one, but she doesnt. She can use dildos on me. She’ll have to. It’ll feel more anatomically correct with her between my legs rather than on top of me. I hope it makes her feel like a man if that’s what she wants.
I dont feel bad at all as i twirl around the farmhouse, humming to myself. My tolerance to pain medicine is up since i left the hospital and the extra dope makes me a little drunk. I’ll have to work on that. A few months ago i was off them altogether.