Dana and I sit on the sofa and make out. It’s a frustrating activity but that just makes life more exciting.
You would summon up the devil, then complain when he doesn’t do what you want, I say.
RU the devil, Fanci? She says quizzically.
No, my love, I say, kissing her affectionately on the neck. You are.
I lie on my back on the sofa and put my feet in her lap and say, Rub my feet, Cupcake. Mush!
Just like you used to rub mine? Dana says.
Just like that, I say as she rubs my popsicle toes and I make feminine noises in my throat that make Dana hot.
When I ponder what I am now the answer is simple. I’m a silly little bitch and I love it and love myself. I never knew I wasn’t really a man inside. I’m also a society wife that has maids to clean up our mess so I am free to spend hours on my face because I want to look nice for Dana. And lots of time on my back pleasing her. She is a virtuoso lover and for the next hour I will be her bitch. Now please excuse me while I come.
I think these are the best days of my life, being Dana’s girl. So what if I had my dick and balls lopped off and have to be pretty? I hate these shopping trips she drags me along for but sometimes I actually buy something. I start using a perfume by Balmain because it costs more than Pablo Picasso, therefore it must be better I use it sparingly, a little at my neck, at the back of my knee, at the hem of my skirt.. I find a hot pink shift that I wear over a white blouse that Dana has seizures of joy over. When I wear it she follows me around the house like a puppy till I give her what she wants. In the early days of our marriage Dana had an outfit like this and when she wore it I would have done anything she asked.
Dana buys something…Givenchy? Or something else, black silk and wool. The money she spends could feed Bangladesh. She does get me matching pearl earrings, necklace and bracelet. I’ve never worn bracelets before but now if I don’t she’ll be hurt. And I always wanted pearl earrings, I just never did buy any.
Lying beside each other. Dana asks, Fanci, if I had a dick…
Oh, no, I say. Here we go again.
No, listen. Would you take my dick in your mouth if I had one?
Absolutely not, I say. Nohow noway. That’s gross, yours or anybody else’s.
Oh, she says, her feelings hurt.
Come on, Dana, honey. You only did that to once to me and it was on our honeymoon. You think it’s gross too.
Honey, look. I wouldn’t take you in the mouth but…but i’d let you shoot off in my mouth. I’d swallow it. I really would.
You would? She says, mollified.
Yes. I love you that much. This is the truth. I would never do this for anyone else.
You know when I knew you were my mate for life, Dana? When I smelled your hair when it was a little dirty. When I did that I knew you were the one. And that i’d do anything for you.
That’s sweet, she says. Now clean up and put on that outfit for me.
Yes miss Dana, I sigh.
We never fight anymore and I wonder when the next one will finally happen. And if it will be as bad as it could be.