Rikki’s List

Rikki has finally stopped making herself throw up.  She is going to a twelve step group in all its flakiness but I don’t care as long as she stops because what’s she’s doing will kill you.

A lot of people would think she’s just a mean anorectic bitch and maybe she is but she’s mine and I love her more than anything, including myself.  As long as I know she loves me I’ll be alright no matter what.  We’ve been married five years and to me marriage is a moral covenant.

Unfortunately the twelve step shtick is an eye roller.  IDK why in order to stop doing something you have to regress to the second grade but what do I know?  If you’re always better off knowing things than not I should be grateful she’s doing something but IDK if I’m better off or even if she is.

Today she’s working the fifth step, which is supposed to be about “taking a fearless moral inventory,” whatever that means.  To the saner ones it just means asking yourself if you’re doing everything you can to stay straight.  If the answer is yes that’s it.

But to some it means the very anal and OCD task of making lists.  Lists of everything you’ve ever done to hurt the people you love.  A list for each person.  I don’t like her doing it this way because it feeds directly into her obsessive, pathological, self destructive guilt.

As I walk into the dining room she is poring over the table, writing.

What are you doing?  I say.

Er…i’m supposed to make lists for my group.  A list of all the times I’ve hurt…

All the times you’ve done anything to hurt the people you love?


I see two lists she is making.

Who are these lists for, Rikki?

For my sister and my mother.

Uh-huh.  These are the only two?

These are the only two, she says, nodding.

Where’s my list, Rikki?


Where’s my list?  You’re not going to say you’ve never done anything to hurt me, are you?  Or is it that I don’t matter enough to make a list for?

Busted!  Her face gets red and she knows she has shown who is important to her.  Who she loves, who she doesn’t.

Er…uh, she stammers.

Don’t say anything else, Rikki, I tell her.  I’m going to leave for a couple of hours but i’ll be back.


Don’t follow me, I warn her.



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