When I met Dana everything changed, I say to Trudi. The world became warmer and brighter and I no longer felt so alone and aimless, I say to Trudi.
I’m lying with the back of my head on her very warm lap. She is cupping my breast and fingering my nipple. I move her hand away because I cant think to talk when she is doing that.
So how did you two meet? She says. It must be…
We were in undergraduate school, I say wistfully. Dana had a roommate who was in my class. We were supposed to work on a class project together. I had to call her about what we were going to do and Dana answered. And I answered in this voice, I say, dropping to my natural deep, resonant double bass.
Trudi looks startled. That’s your original voice? She says.
That’s it. When I got my tits Dana made me go to a speech therapist to learn to talk in this sweet, little girl voice that is now my natural speaking voice. But back then I was a man and I talked like this, I say, emphasizing the richness of the deep, masculine voice.
Honey, that is a great voice, Trudi says, playing with my hair. Women got wet and fantasized when they heard that voice. You know that?
Sure, I know it. I had part time and summer jobs doing telephone sales. I was good at it. Made a lot of money for school. It didn’t take me long to realize that the women I was selling to were fantasizing about my voice. If you just hear me on the phone I sound like a six and a half foot two hundred and fifty pound tight end that is huge. Women just loved talking to me.
I’ll bet, she says drily.
I called the girl about the class project and Dana answered the phone. She must’ve liked my voice because she wouldn’t call her roommate to the phone. Dana wanted to talk to me so she kept talking to me. She told me there’d be plenty of time for me to talk to the roommate and that I could damn well talk to her for a few minutes.
Dana’s always been brassy like that?
From the gitgo, I say. Dana asked me, ‘Do you look as good as you sound?’ And I said, ‘What do you think?’ And she said, ‘You couldn’t possibly, ‘ and sighed. At that point I knew she had her hand in her pants, I just knew it.
If I heard a voice like yours on the phone I think I would too, Trudi says.
Bite your tongue, I say to her. You’re supposed to be les.
Anyway, Dana and I had phone sex right there. We talked very dirty and masturbated and when we were both right there, we climaxed together. Dana said, ‘I want to see you.’ I suggested we get something to eat and get better acquainted. She said fuck that, that she was going to tell her roommate to get the fuck out and not come back till tomorrow, which I said was rude and horrible. Finally we just got a room and fucked our brains out.
Did you like her that much?
Oh, I sure did. I knew she was mate for life.
How? Trudi says, tucking my hair behind my ears with a lover’s touch.
It was how her hair smelled when it was dirty, I say. Can you grasp that? I knew there’d never be anyone else for me. I could understand why these good women throw themselves at these worthless men if they were affected by them that way. When I got a whiff of Dana’s hair I would have done anything for her. It’s funny. This sounds like what a woman would say about a man, but I guess it could go either way. I was in love and I was past logic or remorse.
What about Dana’s attraction for you?
That’s less obvious. Once she told me it was my voice and my intellect. That didn’t sound like much. Anyway at the University I was supposed to sub for a psychiatrist who was giving a lecture on catecholamines. So I did that. After I started lecturing I saw that Dana was in the audience. Dana, who thinks catecholamines are a new breed of Siamese. Anyway, she said she was so hot for me she touched herself all through he lecture.
Dana is quite a character, Trudi says.
Soon we moved into a little apartment off campus. That semester she had an early class and I would be upset when she had to get out of bed and leave. I was such a baby, but she liked that. Soon we were married. We were both very much in love. As mean as Dana can be, I have to say she’s always tried her best to take care of me in her twisted way. She also said, always has, that I’ve never had a problem that couldn’t be solved by taking me to bed. She may have been right. Every time I’d get upset she’d take me to the bedroom and get on top of me and I forgot what I was upset about.
Did she always get on top?
That was Dana’s rule. I asked her if she got better clitoral stimulation that way and she said no but it was easier to touch herself and speed things along. That was good because I’d come faster in that position than any other. Once in a while I’d get on top when we’d play sex games like chasing each other through the house. But her on me was always my favorite position so we didn’t fight about it.
Why did you like it?
It was so comfortable. Missionary is hard, really. I had to get on my hands and knees and balance and try to stay hard and grind down and up with my hips and fight for an orgasm. On my back I could relax and enjoy. And I sure did. It’s sweet and warm and comfortable and intimate. I loved her so much I…
Don’t cry, Fanci, Trudi says.
I sniffle and say, Dana and I were fine until she lost her $5 million inheritance in the ’08 bank crash. All of it. She had a good job and we had a 100 acre farm and three new cars free and clear so we would have been fine. But she went nuts and became abusive. And after that she decided she was a lesbian. But that’s another story.
I’ve got all night, Trudi says.
Let me get a glass of water and I’ll go on. There’s a lot to cover.
When did she shanghai you and give you breasts?
That’s on down the road, Trudi. It was enough of a shock when she came out.