If You Have It

Raymond Damadian's "Apparatus and method ...

Raymond Damadian’s “Apparatus and method for detecting cancer in tissue.” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Denver Nuggets primary logo and the Nuggets be...

Denver Nuggets primary logo and the Nuggets bench, including head coach George Karl. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So they don’t know yet, she says.

No but you shoulda seen their faces.  Goldstein took one look at it and wouldn’t even touch it.  In a few minutes I was in an office across the hall waiting to see this Dr. Feinman that you usually have to wait six weeks to see.

The oncologist?

Yes.  He did a biopsy and sent it off.  A few minutes later I was getting an MRI.  That I would’ve had to wait weeks to get.

That was because of Goldstein, she says.  I endowed that kiddie cancer wing for him and he knows not to fuck with me or mine.

I told you to stay out of it, Dana!

I didn’t talk to anybody!  I mean Goldstein knows i’ll be upset if they treat you like everybody else.

I say, The lump on my arm may be nothing, just a lipoma.  But Feinman found this lump on my neck…

Oh. shit…

…and he wouldn’t say anything but…


…but i’m thinking about those head and neck cancers.  They have a good prognosis, 87-90% chance of permanent remission if you have radio and chemo every day for six weeks.  But the treatment may kill me before the cancer does.  George Karl had this kind of cancer.


An old NBA coach.

But you don’t know that you have it.

No and they wont tell me anything.  But if it’s the kind of cancer I think it is you know what it’s associated with?  Smoking and heavy drinking.

That doesn’t make any sense, Erik.  You don’t smoke and hardly ever drink.

That’s right.  But the other thing it’s associated with is Papilloma virus.  You see?


Women usually get that from men that don’t wash their goddamn filthy dicks.  The more promiscuous a woman is the greater the chance she’ll get it.

The only dick that’s been inside me is yours, Dana says.

Yes and we’re both very clean.  Your promiscuity has been confined to women but little is known about that and I don’t know what kind of practices you practiced.  A dirty dildo maybe.

You still don’t know you have it, Erik.

No and that may be the only thing keeping me from beating the dog shit out of you.

She looks at the floor.  She says, If you have it RU going to blame me for it?  Assume I got it from one of my gfs and gave it to you and the virus caused your cancer?

I sure will, Dana.  And I would hope you have the decency to at least feel guilty about it.

I er…she stammers and looks away.  Finally she says, You don’t know yet, though.

No.  But I should’ve stopped fucking you years ago when you became promiscuous.  I didn’t realize how nasty you are.


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