I’m not writing this to anyone in particular. I just feel a need to share some thoughts since here and at Xanga I have left a considerable body of work.
Those of you who know me well know that after being married a quarter century my wife is divorcing me. Nothing happened. No concrete reason. Why it takes that long to decide you cant live with somebody idk and don’t want to get into it much.
The first thing most guys would think of is another man.
But I’d bet anything it’s not that.
You see, even though I can never trust her again because of what she did and how, people seem to have a…constancy about them. I would no more fuck around on her than I’d walk up to someone and fart in their face. And after living with her this long, I know she’s the same way about that. My best guess is that she’s having a midlife crisis that she is going to let destroy her marriage.
But this part is chilling. I’ve been rereading my Dana stories, all about love and marriage and commitment and infidelity and sexual confusion and life and death fights where in the end there is no doubt that as much as they hate each other, this couple could not possibly love each other more. Not after the beating they take from life and each other. In other words, I tend to be hard on my readers. Fortunately they forgive me and take me back. But reading my stories is brutal.
Remember how A Farewell to Arms ends? How awful? It might be Hemmingway’s best except that The Sun Also Rises flows so much better. And that story, too, is brutal.
I digress. I see that Erik can never leave Dana because it would kill him. If anything happened to Erik it would kill her but he’ll admit it and she wont. I see how totally I am Erik when there is any threat of loss to Dana. But he’s always prevailed. I haven’t. I tried to kill Dana off and had to bring her back in Tenement because Erik alone cannot survive. I’m going to lose mine and can no more live without her than he could live without Dana.
Thanks to my best internet friend Jen Riemann I got Tenement finished, a bitch of a book to write. It wound up with a semi-happy ending where Dana and Erik are lying on a bed together drunk and when she asks him why she makes him happy he says because he’s a slave to love-always.
I had written a different ending, a horrible one, after starting Tenement that fortunately I was able to discard. Dana never comes back to life and Erik committs a mass murder before Dana’s ghost comes to him and tells him they’ll have plenty of time together and Erik blows his brains out. It’s in the archives titled The End on an October Day if you care to read it. I had based it on my corruption of some of Leonard Cohen’s song, Coming Back to You:
They’re handing down my sentence now and I know what I must do
Another mile of silence while I’m coming back to you
AND ON THIS FINE OCTOBER DAY I’ll join the chosen few
Who left their pride on the other side
Of coming back to you.
No, I’m not going to commit a mass murder.
And I’m too chickenshit for suicide. But as I put myself in Erik’s place I know I’m only kidding myself to think I could go on or why I would want to. This is not a cry for help, for there is no help to be had. Still, I have to write something or I will go mad, and this is what I wrote today.
Tod gewinnt immer. Aber vielleicht manchmal…