I’ve lived in this new place for almost a month and they only put in internet this morning. For weeks before that my computer didn’t work, so it’s been a while. I have really missed you guys. All of you. And thanks again for the warm support and encouragement last summer. I’m not sure that without it I might actually have offed myself. It’s taken a month to get this house in order but now it is and I have plenty of time to feel bad. A Xanax in the morning and one at night.
I went from living on an isolated farm I used to own half of to living in a crappy little house in a crappy little town one county over from where I used to live. I’ve driven thru it many times but I get lost sometimes. This house is in a residential neighborhood where everything looks alike. The first few times I left the house I did it on foot and those times I got completely lost and was either was able to talk somebody into giving me a ride or to find this needle in a haystack they call a house myself. A couple of weeks ago I got lost and walked for three hours before I found the place. It was getting colder. It occurred to me that I might easily freeze to death because I couldn’t find my own house.
It goes without saying that this town doesn’t have a taxi service.
When I finally started using the car to get around something more bizarre happened. I parked somewhere, got lost on foot, found the place where I needed to do the errand but by then I was so unnerved I could not remember where I parked the car. After a massive search for the car I gave up and walked home.
Hours later my ex wife comes over and wants to know where my car is and I simply cannot remember. We got in her car and argued that the best way to find it is to look at one of several places I might of parked the car but just didn’t see it. That turned out to be true. I had parked in back of the bank and apparently while I was gone other cars parked around so I didn’t see it when I went back to look for it. In retribution my former old lady takes my car keys and gives them to the landlord like I was some 90 year old that was too fucked up to drive. Maybe she had time to think on the utter absurdity of her actions because she gave me the keys back.
And yes, I am one of these people that cannot remember where they parked when they come out of Walmart with a bag of groceries.
With all that behind me I have more time to be depressed, and this is a hell of a time of year for that. It has been many, many years since I spent the holidays alone and this will not be fun. I have no family of any kind. Those of you who have a family, even a crappy one, are blessed. The rest of us who don’t, well, let’s hope this one isn’t too bad.
The most painful thing is that every time my ex comes over here she is more emotionally distant. That hurts, it really does. I guess I need a gf but there is nothing around here I would have any interest in, like the one that scratched her ass in the dollar store. If they do that in public god knows what they do at home. I’m becoming convinced I will die alone, unloved, ungrieved. To some people that wouldn’t matter but it does to me.
I never was much good at living alone.
And the quality of life as well as the mood continues into the dark abyss of Perdition Road.