Yogi Bera said when you come to a fork in the road, take it.
This might be smarter than it sounds. I think there are no forks in the road. We may contemplate alternate courses of action but there is only one path, that which is written in our hearts and which we follow assiduously. I used to think we made important decisions rationally. Now i am convinced we do not; we do what our hearts tell us to do and rationalize it after the fact.
And i’m not sure where i’m going with this. I just spent a morning in the car with my ex wife and was schooled in just how much she hates me. If it were anyone else it wouldnt matter. I guess it doesnt matter that i cant imagine what i ever did to deserve it. What matters is that i have feelings that can be hurt with words. And she’s the only one who can do that because i dont give a shit what other people think of me or say about me.
This is a horrible time of year anyway. The sight of daffodils fills me with vague nausea and millennial dread. Four years ago when i was writing Tenement i tried to put this horror into words but failed. Sometimes the stronger the feeling the harder it is to get the words out. All i could come up with was “green shoots up through cinder blocks and broken glass.” That was it. I was trying for a verbal image of the album cover of the Jayhawks’ Rainy Day Music because after it rains here in the spring that’s what it looks like. Like you’d expect to see in the yard of a tenement. It’s not a place or a time; it’s a state of mind. The state of mind i have been in since May 19, 2014 when, after hearing some very bad news i thought, “You are a dead man.” Less than a month later i almost was when i almost died of a staph infection.
But i didnt. What kind of luck is that?
October of last year i drove to the doctor to get my monthly refills and had a seizure right in his office. Just the place. Not on the road, killing myself and maybe somebody else. What kind of luck is that?
But i wont go there either because it gets into the question of what is luck and is there such a thing or is it a mirage? I think there is and the question is what kind.
For the last two years every doctor in creation has been asking me if i am depressed. Which i kept telling them i was not, because i was not. Well, i’ve finally made it. I’m depressed. So what?
I have no idea why i wrote this but for anyone who endured it, thank you for reading. I want to write something but i’m too disorganized. This time last year i was in the hospital from some other godforsaken infection. Let’s hope i can stay out of it this year.
If i could not stop cursing it would be different.
But i cannot stop crying, and that is not like me.
I am terrified of dying alone.